WRITER’S JOURNAL

DATE: 3 OCTOBER 2022

GOAL: BEGIN

 

I think this best begins by making a concrete list of people I need to interview in order to get the information I need to keep asking questions and delving deeper. My dad and I have a call scheduled to get the process started. I’m feeling overwhelmed, but also extremely excited to dive in as this is something I’ve felt compelled to do since the initial shock settled. 

 

A week or so after the news broke, my dad called me and asked that I someday write this book — it so clearly belongs on parchment pages. This class finally gives me the opportunity to begin the process of writing in an environment uniquely crafted for trial and error, collaboration, and experimentation. 

 

To begin, I think I should revisit what I’ve written thus far for class purposes and personal purposes over the last few years. Later on, I will include pictures of journal entries and such. For my own mental purposes, here is my pitch below: 

 

Writing 420’s capstone project provides a very unique opportunity to foster a brainchild through an entire semester with the ultimate goal of creating some sort of final product. What was particularly impactful for me to learn is that the final product we end up with need not be an actual completed piece of work. On this note, I plan to complete a writer’s journal-esque final product as I attempt to deep dive into a ton of research and outline / plan / prep for what will someday become a novel. 

 

As someone who has always wanted to write a novel, I owe a great deal of thanks to my dad for living a life that quite organically lends itself to parchment pages. Before I more clearly explain the question or topic I am going to attempt to unpack in my project, I think it is first important to lay out a lot of background information regarding what this is about. 

 

My dad, Jonathan D’Agostino, was born on August 15, 1964 in Brooklyn, New York. His mother, Arlene D’Agostino (originally Moskowitz), and father, Anthony D’Agostino, brought my dad home to a ten-year-old big sister, Sherri. From a young age, my dad felt a bit out of place. His mom never demonstrated any sort of direct love or maternal connection to him. His relationship with his older sister can be best demonstrated by the phrase he claims was repeated every time his mom would leave him home with her (which was quite often): “when I’m not here, your sister is your mother.” My grandfather, as my dad explains, was a fantastic man, but not very good at being a faithful husband. He and my dad shared a valuable bond through my dad’s years playing baseball, soccer, and basketball growing up, but really developed in their relationship as my dad got older and could connect with him on a more direct level. Something always felt a bit out of place; my dad remarks never having seen a picture of his mom pregnant with him, feeling different than all of his construction worker family, and not understanding why his Uncle would regularly ask him “so are you Jewish or Italian?” as a party trick for which he’d receive a dollar each time he correctly answered “Italian, Uncle Toddo.” 

 

There are quite literally a million more details that contribute to this insane narrative, but the biggest and most important for my purposes occurred on October 25th of 2019. My mom was having a Studio 54 themed birthday party for her 54th birthday. Unable to attend as a new baby wolverine freshman, my phone was inundated the entire night with pictures of my entire family clad in sparkly pants and horrible wigs. From what I was told, the party was a great time. The next day, I received an impromptu facetime call from my dad and the second he said “put your headphones in, mom and I need to talk to you for a little,” I knew something was up. 

 

Over the rest of the call, he recounted the following to me, slow, controlled, and somehow, quite calmly. At the party, my flamboyant, crazy fun cousin Anthony had indulged in quite a few drinks and likely some marijuana-type products. My dad, merely making light-hearted conversation with his cousin, brought up his recent 23andme test and his confusion over the results that read “100% Ashkenazi Jewish.” Over a laugh, my dad expressed annoyance over the clearly mistaken “science” that had overlooked any of his Sicilian, D’Agostino blood. My cousin didn’t have the jovial, cavalier reaction my dad expected; instead, he sighed and responded “oh, Jon, don’t do this to me right now.” 

 

Obviously, this is not exactly what anyone wants to hear as it’s cryptically indicative that something was missing from my dad’s version of the story. Throughout the rest of the night, my dad continued to try and get whatever this information was out of my cousin until finally he looked my dad square in the face and said, “you’re adopted.” 

 

What followed that moment in time and has continued since then is a whirlwind of newfound narratives scattered throughout time and slowly forming the missing puzzle pieces that my dad (and my family) always felt were out there somewhere, almost waiting to be found. Over the last few years, my parents have been reconnecting with biological family members virtually and as the pandemic became more manageable, in person. My dad hired a private investigator to help delve into this tangled web of information. I’ve even had the chance to meet some of my lost long cousins and biological relatives. 

 

Another relevant part to the story is the nuanced, complex relationship between my dad and his adoptive mother, Arlene. Their relationship is extremely complicated through not only the things that have happened, but also in what is said and left unsaid over my dad’s entire life. My grandmother is simply put, a bad person. Obviously I am biased, but in the most objective sense possible, she left her four year old son home to make himself mayonnaise sandwiches for lunch and chose not to attend his wedding over a very minor disagreement on behalf of my dad’s sister. 

 

As a grandmother, she has yo-yo’d in and out of our lives forever. She didn’t meet my older sister until she was eight years old because she was mad at my dad and slowly began to slip out of our lives once again around my tenth birthday. She’s now in her mid eighties and relocated from New York to Florida with what I imagine to be all of the old people who do a bad job of keeping in touch with their families. I still receive a birthday call each year, but some of things she has said and done to my father, and to the rest of my family make it very difficult to have any sympathy for her. 

 

Beyond just Grandma Arlene is an entire cast of characters all involved in keeping this secret from my dad for over 50 years. It’s overwhelming for me, and I can’t even imagine how that feels for my dad. 

 

All of this to say, there is already so much here to unpack and I know that through diving even deeper, there will be even more to investigate. 

 

DATE: OCTOBER 5

GOAL: PLAN INTERVIEWS

 

I talked with my dad on the phone today and feel like before I can really do anything, I need to have some conversations with him. For now, I think the best way for me to approach this is to use today’s entry as a kind of writing of discovery. I’m essentially just going to write everything and anything on my mind and use it in my next scheduled phone call with my dad. 

 

First, here is a list of people I know I need to talk to or learn more about:

 

• My dad (obviously)

• My mom

• Grandma Starr (maternal)

• Grandma Arlene (paternal)

• Jenna & Jonathan (siblings)

• Stephanie and Tyler (sister/brother in law)

• Anthony Labate (the cousin who revealed the secret!)

• “Uncle Saul” – brother in law of bio mom 

 

Okay, now for me: just writing and getting everything out on paper. I know my dad extremely well (at least, I’d like to think I do). My dad is someone who has always known himself very well. Since I was very young, there has been a clear disconnect between my dad and his family. My grandma Arlene (his mom) has never been a legitimate member of what is otherwise the tight-knit, strong unit my family has always been. She has joined and left over miniscule disagreements with my dad and as a child, it was very confusing to try and understand how my dad — who was giving, thoughtful, and constantly putting family first — could have been created by a woman who did not even understand the meaning of the word “family.” Perhaps, I’m being harsh, but ultimately, I grew up seeing the way my dad was treated by his mother and learned stories of abandonment, disloyalty, and remember his phraseology quite clearly: “she was never really maternal.” Knowing what I know now, especially having taken a fair number of psychology classes, I think this is particularly important for me to explore. The nature / nurture debate, as well as the larger dialogue of the differences between adoptive parents and biological parents are incredibly interesting. I hope to gauge quite a bit about how this story contributes to and differs from the larger conversation. At the end of the day, I think a lot of this has to do with two huge, big, massive, overwhelming ideas: truth and time. We all learn new things every single day. From the day we are born and enter the world, we learn how to see and eat and walk and spell our first names. As we get older, the learning curve is arguably more nuanced. College students likely learn tons of information 

 

DATE: OCT 7 and OCT 9 (continued)

Here are some random thoughts about the book. I plan for it to be from a third person perspective; I think this will be the most effective way for me to separate myself enough from the narrative and present the story more objectively. What I need to do before I can accomplish this, is to lay it all out and unpack it to ask and answer questions that will become pivotal in trying to make this story tangible to someone outside of my family. 

 

My writing style has always been one that depends on description to paint pictures. I think that this will be beneficial to and imperative in trying to make the nuances of the story more digestible. Having said that, I’ve never written anything as BIG as this before, and I know it’ll become extremely important to find a balance between this style of writing and incorporating factual information, but keeping with the narrative. Here is what I am thinking for the general timeline of the novel; this will help me to figure out what the puzzle is going to look like, so I can start to find the pieces. Over the summer, I wrote an entire, comprehensive timeline with dates and times that pivotal moments happened and I’m looking for it at the moment. I guess this is a pro of writing everything on google docs and not having lost paper trails?? I am determined to find it, but in the meantime, the important thing to note is that I want to begin in 1978 and every other chapter, switch back to my mom’s 54th birthday party. I don’t want the actual moment of time where my cousin says the words “you’re adopted” to my dad to actually be written until the very last chapter. The reader will learn of his adoption and it will be made clear what the situation is, but that very last scene will be when my dad finds out in the novel. 

 

DATE: OCT 10

GOAL: complain

Ugh!!!! Midterms, quizzes, papers, law school applications. I have had no time to make legitimate meals, let alone apportion even close to the amount of time I had hoped for this project. I am thankful that after this Wednesday, October 12th, life will be far less chaotic, and I can really get into a flow of working the way I want to. 

(not included in journal, two hour phone call with my dad just talking about stuff and things — as it pertains to this) 

 

DATE: OCT 13 and OCT 16

GOAL:INTERVIEW QUESTIONS 

This entry is essentially just going to be a breakdown of each person I plan on talking to accompanied by a background of that person and what I hope to learn from them / questions I plan on asking. 

• My dad (obviously)

  • My dad is 58 years old and found out about his adoptive background at 55 years old. 

  • He grew up primarily in Staten Island, New York but has roots in Brooklyn as well. 

  • He was born on August 15, 1964, which is coincidentally 9 months after JFK was killed — he often jokes he is JFK reincarnated, which could not be farther from the truth. 

    • My dad is loyal, prioritizes family always, and (no offense) can’t hold a candle to the extremely well dressed, suave candor of JFK. He is much happier in comfortable jeans, a t-shirt (often Life is Good brand), and sneakers. 

    • He describes his daily suit for work as his “lawyer costume” which I honestly think speaks for itself. 

  • My dad’s favorite things in the world include Mel Brooks movies, pistachio ice cream, and doing pretty much anything and everything to make the people around him happy. He literally thrives off of doing everything he can for me, my mom, my siblings, etc.

  • I will obviously need to talk to him a great deal throughout this process and plan to go in relatively open ended with more substantive larger questions and allow his answers / intrigue to lead the conversation 

  • The substantive questions I plan on starting with are:

    • How did you feel when you were growing up? 

      • What was your relationship like with your mother and did you feel supported and welcomed into your family? 

      • Did you ever get told “I love you?”

        • Did you say it / say it back?

      • Did you feel loved and accepted?

      • Did you feel like you fit in? 

    • When you got your initial DNA results, what was your immediate reaction?

      • Over time, did this reaction change?

    • Where you looking for Anthony to say anything when you asked, even subconsciously?

      • What was your reaction immediately when he told you?

      • How did you sleep that night?

    • How do you feel now?

• My mom

  • My mom and dad have been together since she was 14 and he was 15. They have never broken up, and have literally been through it all together. My father’s mom (Arlene) did not attend my parent’s wedding because of a minor altercation and somehow she still has forgiven and accepted her back into our family whenever my dad wanted to essentially. 

  • Did you ever sense any sort of separation between dad and any of his family? 

• Grandma Starr (maternal)

  • What was your initial impression of dad? 

  • Did you like him for mom? 

  • When did you first meet his family and what were your thoughts of them?

  • Why did you decide to let dad move in with you and Grandpa in high school?

    • Did you ever get judgment from anyone for that decision?

  • How did you feel when Arlene didn’t attend mom’s wedding?

  • What is your relationship like now (and how has it evolved) with Arlene and with dad?

• Grandma Arlene (paternal)

  • Why did you decide to adopt a baby?

  • What was the adoption process like?

  • Was it scary meeting him for the first time?

  • What did you know about his biological parents?

  • Why did you never tell him he was adopted?

  • What has your relationship with my dad been throughout the years?

  • Is there anything you regret or anything you wish you did differently?

  • What do you think my dad would say about your relationship?

• Jenna & Jonathan (siblings)

  • Did you ever suspect anything about dad’s parentage?

  • What did you think when you found out?

  • How do you think you have handled the news? Has anything felt different?

  • What do you think of arlene?

• Stephanie and Tyler (sister/brother in law)

• Anthony Labate (the cousin who revealed the secret!)

  • Why did you ultimately decide to tell him?

  • How long have you known?

• “Uncle Saul” – brother in law of bio mom 

  • Need lots more research before this interview 

 

Random things I’ve remembered or would like to include:

• The not i love you household 

  • Lean into dad’s flaws 

• Identify all the risks

  • The representational risks 

    • How can i get this wrong 

  • Personal risks 

    • Family dynamic 

DATES: OCT 17 — 28

-mayonnaise sandwiches = I want to include this in a chapter about how my dad used to make himself mayo sandwiches when he was left home alone at 5 years old. 

Suggestions from Raymond:

•  Read what i think ab personal ethics of what i'm doing 

  • What does it mean for jess relative to my family 

• Write it twice 

  • Show it as fiction

  • Show it as nonfiction 

  • Justify it based on the difference 

• Autofiction 

  • Research it!! 

  • Splits the difference between trad autobio and memoir 

Order of events 

• Foreword from MY perspective 

  • Mention the party 

  • Huge revelation 

  • Narrator of coming of age movie 

  • Everyday life 

• Switch every other chapter between childhood and adulthood 

• Childhood 

  • Start with 14th bday 

  • Move linearly 

• Adulthood 

  • End with 54th bday 

 

POTENTIAL ORDER FOR BOOK:
PROLOGUE: mini barbra life story, open with roller skating, end with her giving a baby up for adoption  

CH 1: 14th bday party (evita, invite, party, spark of them) 

CH 2: Wedding (tells story of their relationship and how mom/sis no show etc)

CH 3: construction company summer  

CH 4: first child 

CH 5: parents split up and he moves in with my mom (his dad) 

• Mayonnaise sandwiches chapter 

CH 6: opening first law practice 

CH 7: TBD : HS grad / college fiasco 

CH 8: second child and moving to NJ

CH 9: getting into law school 

CH 10: third child and re enter arlene 

—- no more back and forth

CH 11: exit arlene and 23and me

CH 12: all about relationships (florida?)

CH 13: 54th bday party !!!!!!!! 

 

The beginning of November:

I was asked to think about the potential ethics of what writing this, what even thinking about all of this so deeply, could do. Further, what are the possible implications? What are the possible impacts on me and my mental health, my family dynamic, relationships, and a number of other potential future-me issues I have yet to even consider?

 

Update after Thanksgiving: 

I think there are lots of feelings at play in this situation. For someone with anxiety, this is a terrifying truth! The fact of the matter is that I’m struggling to find this in between place where I’m far enough from the material to unapologetically tell the story and close enough to the material to represent the emotional minutiae that comes with the story I’m trying to tell. My dad wants me to write this book so I don’t feel the same amount of anxiety or stress to “do it right” on his behalf. I know that he believes in my perception and as a fellow writer, understands that the way I choose to portray things won’t be the same as he would choose to do so. I feel a great deal of stress over potentially worsening the already fairly heinous relationship between my dad’s adoptive family and my immediate family. Our relationships are nuanced and I fear that my lack of experience and desire to refrain from sugar coating this story. I want readers to hear about the neglectful mother my grandma Arlene was; I want readers to learn about the ways this can impact someone. I am fearful, but equally passionate about committing to the truth of a story I know to be powerful, inspiring, and mindf*cking. I may not always believe in myself, and I often worry that my actions will have unforeseen consequences, but I aggressively believe in this story. I think, in the end, that will make it all worth it. 

​

DATE: DEC 7

GOAL: SYNTHESIZE CLASS FEEDBACK

Today in class I had the opportunity to showcase my work so far and gauge feedback from my peers, who had all read through everything prior to class. I was extremely happy and admittedly, surprised, about the vast majority of the feedback I got. I think I was so nervous about putting something like this out there, and was overwhelmed with the positive responses I got. I made a few minor website tweaks here and there as my class suggested — which was much appreciated. When my classmates read this website / my project, the "Take 2 Drafts as Autofiction" tab did not yet exist. 

In addition to this writer's journal, the class read my first take at the story, through a fictional lens. Please read here: